Tag Archives: love

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A Scene to the Girl Who Rides the Bus with Me as I’m Coming Home from Work

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To the girl who rides the bus with me as I’m coming home from work:

You are very beautiful. I feel like I shouldn’t lead with that. But if I ever talked to you, that’s what I would say. It might go south because you might be a super independent woman who doesn’t need the affirmation of a man to make you feel loved and you might overcompensate by refusing compliments. It would be a risk I was willing to make.

I would tell you to smile more. Or I would try to make you smile. I want to see what you look like with joy on.

I would ask you about the books you are reading. I love books. That’s something you should know about me.

I would explain to you that this is not something I normally do. The last time I talked to a random girl whom I found attractive was never. You wouldn’t believe me. That’s cool. I would revel in the idea that you think I’m a player.

I would be a good conversationalist. The sincere kind. I would flirt, but I wouldn’t do that thing where I put you down just so you think I’m an asshole and so therefore desirable. I would ask questions. And hopefully I could coax more than one-word responses from you.

I would tell you about this movie I just watched – TiMER – in which the main conflict is that everyone has these timers that go off when you meet your “one.” I would ask you your opinion. You would tell me that the “one” is bullshit. And I would mostly agree. But then I would argue that “the one” is mostly a tautology. Successful partnerships last forever so of course those people believe in “the one.” For them, it’s effectively true. You would scoff at my theorizing. I would wrinkle my nose and ask “What?”

I would ask if you have a boyfriend. You would say yes. I would ask if you smoked pot. You would say no. I would say, “That explains it.” You would ask, “That explains what?”

I would laugh a little and then tell you my theory about how there are two types of people in the world: those who smoke pot and those who don’t. I don’t want to date those who smoke pot and the ones who don’t smoke pot don’t want to date me. You would say, “I never said I didn’t want to date you.”

I would laugh again until you figured out I had tricked you. You would smile and look away. I would be glad that you smiled.

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Two Terms I Wish I Had Never Said

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Over the years, I’ve created some terms. And I don’t say this to be conceited, or something. It’s just I like creating theories. And sometimes my theories need names. And every once in a while I discuss these named theories with my friends, and they like them, or whatever. Before I know it, people I don’t talk to are hashtagging my terms on Twitter.

If I’m being completely honest, then I need to tell you that I really like that terms I create catch on. It makes me very happy. And it makes me feel important. So I’m probably going to keep doing it.

But there are two terms I regret creating. I want to talk about those for a bit.

Super Ex. I think this theory was collaborative, but I can’t remember who helped me come up with it. I’m pretty sure I came up with the term. And if I didn’t, then I’m definitely the one who spread it around. So I’m taking responsibility for it.

The super ex is a shorthand way of talking about this theory I had for a while that everyone had one major past relationship by which they judge all following relationships. I formed this theory early on in college because all of the people I was befriending seemed to have had similar experiences: serious relationship in high school leads to serious breakup before college leads to serious hangup for all college relationships.

But the theory only made that cycle worse. By giving a name to it, I was normalizing it, saying it was okay to judge all of your relationships off of that one big one. I think that’s a really childish way to think about love, now.

There are a lot of people in this world. There are some people we like, some people we dislike, and some people we love. But every time we form a relationship with someone new, we form something completely new. We shouldn’t stand around comparing it to whatever came before. Apples to oranges, and all that.

Athens Attractive. I feel the worst about this one. This one is born out of my insecurities with the world. And that’s why I feel bad about it. At first, I thought it was funny. It could have been part of a comedy routine, for instance. And I think some people are still using it that way, which is nice. But some people, following my lead, are using it as a negative term. And that’s not okay. I want to take that back.

I created it because I was tired of all of the girls I was interested in going for the guys who are more free-spirited than I am. I’m a clean cut soul. I like pop music and I watch trashy television. I like to imagine that makes me into a regular Prince Charming. But it doesn’t and so I’m moving on and because I’m moving on, I’d rather not use Athens Attractive negatively anymore.

A friend of mine asked me if she was Athens Attractive the other day. And my mind immediately went down this checklist I had created for it. And then I realized that she didn’t want to be Athens Attractive because Athens Attractive in my head is negative, and she knew that. I’m a firm believer that no one should ever be called something they don’t want to be called. Everyone should have the opportunity to pick their own name. And that’s why Athens Attractive is wrong. It pigeonholes people.

So, if you all don’t mind too much, I am personally going to kill it.

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An Incomplete List of Things I Don’t Understand

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1. The process of growing up. How do I know when I am thinking like an adult? Is the fact that I am asking that question disqualify me from adulthood?

2. The chorus of “Racks.” This is not entirely relevant but it still bothers me.

3. Athens attractive. Only in Athens, as far as I know, do women find barefoot, unbathed men with long unkempt hair and beards universally attractive. This is not to rail against those men. I love them very much. It’s just that Ryan Gosling, Usher, Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Antonio Banderas, Justin Timberlake, and George Clooney are men I can admit to be attractive. I have no problem doing it. I can’t say the same for Athens attractive.

4. Why people “like to flirt.” That’s like liking to put your keys into the ignition or liking to use a fork to pick up your food or liking to put lids on cups. These are necessary things, but they aren’t the fun part. The fun part about human interaction is not the flirting. It’s intimacy. Intimacy is also scary, I know, I know. But seriously…

5. Who invented chain e-mails? Who was the first person to be like “I’m going to make my friends forward this useless message to their friends by threatening death by maniacal clown?

6. Women.

7. House parties. I can’t hear you when you are talking. All the girls are going to be gone by midnight with the tall, unbathed, bearded guys. And everything is going to be sticky in the morning.

8. People who use texting as if they were writing long, instantaneously-received letters to each other. If my thought to you can’t fit into 160 characters, I usually feel like I’m being annoying.

9. All human relationships. Why anyone would willingly yoke themselves to me is beyond my comprehension.

10. Analytic philosophy.

11. Rape jokes. Is the idea that if you tell enough of them, they magically become funny?

12. Engagement pictures. What do they do? I mean, they are fun, but wouldn’t it be more fun to dress up and go do cute things together  and pose without a camera? Think about all the funny looks!

13. Coffee. I drink it sometimes, but aren’t coffee-drinkers a more “sophisticated” form of the kid we used to make fun of in sixth grade for drinking a Mountain Dew every morning?

14. Pinterest. It’s like a mysterious universe filled with wedding dresses.

15. How people get invited to weddings. I am now in my 20s. I should be being invited to weddings of friends. That way I can show off my dance moves and woo women by telling them my theories on why liking to flirt is silly.